I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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