awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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