Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
