I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
