I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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