I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
