She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
