on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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