Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Randomize
