Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
