Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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