In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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