I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
