alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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