Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
