I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
