Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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