I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
