he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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