I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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