I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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