I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
