I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
