On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Randomize
