I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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