Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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