if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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