Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
