i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
