True but thats because hes a fetus.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
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There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
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Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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