so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
