I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
