I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
