You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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