1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
