I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
