So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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