Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
