You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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