plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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