i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
