She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
