Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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