my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Randomize
