Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
