remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
