Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Randomize
