paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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