Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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