you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
