I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
