I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
