The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
