he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
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