I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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