he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
