god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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