True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
