Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
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