just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
