I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
