I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
